i guess sometimes all you need is a good vent session. and some blue moon. and some really, genuinely, nice, wonderful, caring people. i'll miss the boys from work when i leave...

i had a dream last night that i was driving at night and it was completely pitch dark and i had no headlights on my car. i was driving around northwoods dirt roads, like eagle river style, and i couldn't see a thing. it was completely terrifying. when i woke up, i remembered the whole dream pretty vividly, and when i put it together, it seems like this dream is one that very much parallels my waking life. i feel like i'm driving around in the dark, no light to lead the way whatsoever, and it is also pretty terrifying. my one source of light was just shut down out of the blue, leaving me with no direction, no way to see the path in front of me.

here's hoping the lights come back on soon.

best cure for a broken heart --> go to madison.

high school friends + beer + my soft spot = freakin excellent night #1

college friends + 5 liters of beer + ridiculousness + peer pressure = great night #2

:)

and now, back to the absolute horribleness that is my daily life. :( lovely. maybe i'll spend st. patty's day up there too...

absolutely NOT feeling better anymore. at all. to sum that all up for now in a few words of samurai philosophy:

"it is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. when you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. it is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." ~hagakure, yamamoto tsunetomo

only it's not a fucking dream. it's a real life, waking fucking nightmare.

i'm feeling a little better. not a lot better, but a little, just in case anyone was worried. day by day i'll continue surviving. and one day i'll be back to happy.

does anyone who reads this blog watch grey's anatomy? if you do, you will know what i'm talking about when i say that right now i'm feeling a lot like meredith in the past couple episodes. tonight hit me when she pops up her head out of the water and gasps for air in the beginning of the episode...and she's speaking about all the things that happen...and then they just...don't...and then she just lets go and sinks down into the water...rather, lets herself sink down into the water, like she just doesn't have the willpower to even try to save herself. that is the feeling i have every morning when i wake up, and every night when i go to bed lately. i feel like my life is slowly breaking down and i've been treading water for a while and i'm getting tired and losing my will to fight...but at the same time, i was never and certainly am not nearly as weak as meredith grey. though i'm hovering dangerously close to the edge, i know i won't fall because, honestly, I KNOW that i have Bart to catch me before i do. i swear every blog i write lately ends in complete cheese to the average person outside the situation, but if there was ever something to make me hang on to myself, it is him. and all i hope is that while he is now hovering dangerously close to the edge too, he will feel the same way.

ugh i've got that horrible numb feeling again right now. it really came out of the blue this evening. perhaps it's because i'm sitting at home alone again for another weekend. perhaps it's because i was reading stuff about the extension. perhaps it's because my thoughts have just gotten away from me again. every time i think about Bart and how amazing this have been with him, i smile and my heart gets warm. but it also just reminds me of how distant things have been lately. and that makes me sad. makes me wonder. i have all of his letters sitting here on my desk and when i glance at them my heart just wrenches because they're filled with wonderful words and love. the latest dated one is from december. it's now almost halfway through february and things have been so odd i have honestly had the awful thoughts pass through my head that if anything at all happens to Bart, this is how it's going to be left between us...again, my heart just wrenches. i was listening to john legend earlier (amazing, by the way. take a listen.), and one of his songs really stood out. it's called stay with you and it pretty much encompasses all of my feelings toward Bart. i only wish there was a better way i could convey them to him without it aggravating or annoying him to the point of ignoring me. my expressions of love and support for him are not meant to be annoying or over the top, they are meant to be exactly what they are: reassurances of my love and support for him. i guess i just don't really know how to deal with such a touchy situation as we are in at times. i wish i had guidance, but i don't. so i just do what i know, what feels right to me, and see what happens from there. and in the meantime, i'm left to my thoughts.

perhaps if my brain were a little more challenged up to its potential at work i would have this damn problem. i really can't stand my life right now. somethin's gotta give here.

i love watching good tv shows. that sounds kind of stupid, but give me a chance to explain myself here. i'm one of those people who gets really unnecessarily lost in her thoughts a lot of the time. i overanalyze things constantly, i worry, etc etc etc. i really really appreciate people who can be succinct with their words and so easily capture real feelings and portray them (un)realistically on the small screen. i really like the show men in trees. it's cute and funny, sometimes i laugh, sometimes i tear up a little, sometimes both in one episode. (what can i say, i'm kind of emotional!) tonight the end-of-episode little monologue thingy really got me. it talked a lot about honesty, and how we are taught to be nice, like if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. how being the most honest kid on the playground won't always get you liked, but it might get you respect. i think half of that is true: you won't be liked, but in today's world, you won't be respected either. you'll just be a bitch. anyway, the other part of the speech was about how every time we close our lips to conceal our own feelings, perhaps to protect someone else, perhaps ourselves, we get to know each other a little less. and that is a very good way of expressing the truth.

the first part makes me think of my life as far as interacting with most people and friends is concerned. i was honest, but i was never liked. so much does the idea hit home that one of my best friends actually basically has told me that i need to keep my real thoughts and feelings to myself and maybe i'll be liked a little more. but do i really want to be liked for a person that i'm clearly not? no. i may be a pretty lonely person, but at least the people who are in my life know me and appreciate me for who i am, no extra niceties about me. it's not exactly easy, but i just don't believe in supressing who you are just to be liked. i would take a gander that anyone who knows me can see that in me.

the second part makes me think of my relationship with Bart. i'm so open...he's pretty closed. does that work? every time i open my mouth to talk about anything, from bullshit to deep feelings, i feel like i'm annoying. i'm a talker and he's not. am i supposed to shut the fuck up? is he supposed to open up? i press on the way i normally would, doing what i do, seeing no reason to change myself for him. if i want to share, i'm going to share. and i expect nothing less of him, he has no reason to change, he doesn't, and i don't necessarily want him to. i fell in love with Bart for who he is, my perfect man. and things have been absolutely wonderful from the very beginning!!!! now one quality we do both share is stubbornness. so, as i asked before, does that work? i believe in compromise. i believe in love. i believe a major part of love IS compromise. is that wrong? do the parts have to already be cut to fit together? or can they be molded a little bit when they find each other to fit just as snugly? or do they just kind of rub against each other until they wear down and break? back to the little idea from the show...i think that, given the circumstances, i'm trying my best to put myself out there to be known. and that's why i don't close my lips, even when other people might think that's the right thing to do. my boyfriend has made it very clear to me he won't tolerate dishonesty. so i put it all out there. i hope also that, again, given the circumstances, when this is all over, i can have the same courtesy extended to me and our rough edges will be sanded down to smoothly fit together as a long-lasting one. though the questions may cross my mind, as i'm sure they do his, in the end, i don't have any doubts that the two pieces, Bart and Kourt, will end up as one heart, Lauzon.

this morning i woke up and saw a beautiful day out my window. sunny, sparkles glinting on the morning frost. and then i stepped outside, frigid cold biting at my skin. as i start my day, i can't help but think that it presents somewhat of a metaphor for my life: sunny when you look at it, but cold once you get inside it.

all i can feel is cold and numbness.

so funniest thing this morning on the radio. usually i listen to Bob & Tom, whom i absolutely adore and make me laugh my ass off. well they were on commercial, so i was flipping through local morning shows. this girl was doing the news on 95.9 the river, my favorite classic rock station :), and she did a story that went a little like this:

"The Bachelor Rome, Lorenzo Borghese, has split with his chosen bachelorette, Jennifer Wilson. No word on what has caused the split, or whether they'll keep making that stupid show."

HAHHAHAA!!! seriously, anyone? anyone?? i laughed my frickin ass off at that!! i'm guessing the dude sitting in the car next to mine probably looked over and was like wow, what's with that chick? but whatever, i like a little humor in the morning :) haha. i don't know, it may have been because the girl's delivery was just perfect, totally dry and unexpected. either way, love it.

and also, love Bart :D