i love watching good tv shows. that sounds kind of stupid, but give me a chance to explain myself here. i'm one of those people who gets really unnecessarily lost in her thoughts a lot of the time. i overanalyze things constantly, i worry, etc etc etc. i really really appreciate people who can be succinct with their words and so easily capture real feelings and portray them (un)realistically on the small screen. i really like the show men in trees. it's cute and funny, sometimes i laugh, sometimes i tear up a little, sometimes both in one episode. (what can i say, i'm kind of emotional!) tonight the end-of-episode little monologue thingy really got me. it talked a lot about honesty, and how we are taught to be nice, like if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. how being the most honest kid on the playground won't always get you liked, but it might get you respect. i think half of that is true: you won't be liked, but in today's world, you won't be respected either. you'll just be a bitch. anyway, the other part of the speech was about how every time we close our lips to conceal our own feelings, perhaps to protect someone else, perhaps ourselves, we get to know each other a little less. and that is a very good way of expressing the truth.

the first part makes me think of my life as far as interacting with most people and friends is concerned. i was honest, but i was never liked. so much does the idea hit home that one of my best friends actually basically has told me that i need to keep my real thoughts and feelings to myself and maybe i'll be liked a little more. but do i really want to be liked for a person that i'm clearly not? no. i may be a pretty lonely person, but at least the people who are in my life know me and appreciate me for who i am, no extra niceties about me. it's not exactly easy, but i just don't believe in supressing who you are just to be liked. i would take a gander that anyone who knows me can see that in me.

the second part makes me think of my relationship with Bart. i'm so open...he's pretty closed. does that work? every time i open my mouth to talk about anything, from bullshit to deep feelings, i feel like i'm annoying. i'm a talker and he's not. am i supposed to shut the fuck up? is he supposed to open up? i press on the way i normally would, doing what i do, seeing no reason to change myself for him. if i want to share, i'm going to share. and i expect nothing less of him, he has no reason to change, he doesn't, and i don't necessarily want him to. i fell in love with Bart for who he is, my perfect man. and things have been absolutely wonderful from the very beginning!!!! now one quality we do both share is stubbornness. so, as i asked before, does that work? i believe in compromise. i believe in love. i believe a major part of love IS compromise. is that wrong? do the parts have to already be cut to fit together? or can they be molded a little bit when they find each other to fit just as snugly? or do they just kind of rub against each other until they wear down and break? back to the little idea from the show...i think that, given the circumstances, i'm trying my best to put myself out there to be known. and that's why i don't close my lips, even when other people might think that's the right thing to do. my boyfriend has made it very clear to me he won't tolerate dishonesty. so i put it all out there. i hope also that, again, given the circumstances, when this is all over, i can have the same courtesy extended to me and our rough edges will be sanded down to smoothly fit together as a long-lasting one. though the questions may cross my mind, as i'm sure they do his, in the end, i don't have any doubts that the two pieces, Bart and Kourt, will end up as one heart, Lauzon.