i love watching good tv shows. that sounds kind of stupid, but give me a chance to explain myself here. i'm one of those people who gets really unnecessarily lost in her thoughts a lot of the time. i overanalyze things constantly, i worry, etc etc etc. i really really appreciate people who can be succinct with their words and so easily capture real feelings and portray them (un)realistically on the small screen. i really like the show men in trees. it's cute and funny, sometimes i laugh, sometimes i tear up a little, sometimes both in one episode. (what can i say, i'm kind of emotional!) tonight the end-of-episode little monologue thingy really got me. it talked a lot about honesty, and how we are taught to be nice, like if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. how being the most honest kid on the playground won't always get you liked, but it might get you respect. i think half of that is true: you won't be liked, but in today's world, you won't be respected either. you'll just be a bitch. anyway, the other part of the speech was about how every time we close our lips to conceal our own feelings, perhaps to protect someone else, perhaps ourselves, we get to know each other a little less. and that is a very good way of expressing the truth.

the first part makes me think of my life as far as interacting with most people and friends is concerned. i was honest, but i was never liked. so much does the idea hit home that one of my best friends actually basically has told me that i need to keep my real thoughts and feelings to myself and maybe i'll be liked a little more. but do i really want to be liked for a person that i'm clearly not? no. i may be a pretty lonely person, but at least the people who are in my life know me and appreciate me for who i am, no extra niceties about me. it's not exactly easy, but i just don't believe in supressing who you are just to be liked. i would take a gander that anyone who knows me can see that in me.

the second part makes me think of my relationship with Bart. i'm so open...he's pretty closed. does that work? every time i open my mouth to talk about anything, from bullshit to deep feelings, i feel like i'm annoying. i'm a talker and he's not. am i supposed to shut the fuck up? is he supposed to open up? i press on the way i normally would, doing what i do, seeing no reason to change myself for him. if i want to share, i'm going to share. and i expect nothing less of him, he has no reason to change, he doesn't, and i don't necessarily want him to. i fell in love with Bart for who he is, my perfect man. and things have been absolutely wonderful from the very beginning!!!! now one quality we do both share is stubbornness. so, as i asked before, does that work? i believe in compromise. i believe in love. i believe a major part of love IS compromise. is that wrong? do the parts have to already be cut to fit together? or can they be molded a little bit when they find each other to fit just as snugly? or do they just kind of rub against each other until they wear down and break? back to the little idea from the show...i think that, given the circumstances, i'm trying my best to put myself out there to be known. and that's why i don't close my lips, even when other people might think that's the right thing to do. my boyfriend has made it very clear to me he won't tolerate dishonesty. so i put it all out there. i hope also that, again, given the circumstances, when this is all over, i can have the same courtesy extended to me and our rough edges will be sanded down to smoothly fit together as a long-lasting one. though the questions may cross my mind, as i'm sure they do his, in the end, i don't have any doubts that the two pieces, Bart and Kourt, will end up as one heart, Lauzon.

this morning i woke up and saw a beautiful day out my window. sunny, sparkles glinting on the morning frost. and then i stepped outside, frigid cold biting at my skin. as i start my day, i can't help but think that it presents somewhat of a metaphor for my life: sunny when you look at it, but cold once you get inside it.

all i can feel is cold and numbness.

so funniest thing this morning on the radio. usually i listen to Bob & Tom, whom i absolutely adore and make me laugh my ass off. well they were on commercial, so i was flipping through local morning shows. this girl was doing the news on 95.9 the river, my favorite classic rock station :), and she did a story that went a little like this:

"The Bachelor Rome, Lorenzo Borghese, has split with his chosen bachelorette, Jennifer Wilson. No word on what has caused the split, or whether they'll keep making that stupid show."

HAHHAHAA!!! seriously, anyone? anyone?? i laughed my frickin ass off at that!! i'm guessing the dude sitting in the car next to mine probably looked over and was like wow, what's with that chick? but whatever, i like a little humor in the morning :) haha. i don't know, it may have been because the girl's delivery was just perfect, totally dry and unexpected. either way, love it.

and also, love Bart :D

so funniest thing this morning on the radio. usually i listen to Bob & Tom, whom i absolutely adore and make me laugh my ass off. well they were on commercial, so i was flipping through local morning shows. this girl was doing the news on 95.9 the river, my favorite classic rock station :), and she did a story that went a little like this:

"The Bachelor Rome, Lorenzo Borghese, has split with his chosen bachelorette, Jennifer Wilson. No word on what has caused the split, or whether they'll keep making that stupid show."

HAHHAHAA!!! seriously, anyone? anyone?? i laughed my frickin ass off at that!! i'm guessing the dude sitting in the car next to mine probably looked over and was like wow, what's with that chick? but whatever, i like a little humor in the morning :) haha. i don't know, it may have been because the girl's delivery was just perfect, totally dry and unexpected. either way, love it.

and also, love Bart :D

so i got on the train today and there was this guy that doesn't usually ride in the car i ride in every day. he was like all flustered when he finally sat down and i was like jeez, buddy, relax. i had already been reading my book for like 5 minutes. so i noticed right away when i looked up when he sat down that he was looking straight at me. i hate it when people do that, it's totally weird. i mean it's one thing if you're just looking around and you catch eyes with someone else just looking around too, but when you catch someone staring at you, it's weird. and this guy was definitely staring at me. so on the train i always just read my book the entire 45 minutes, and i could just feel this guy's eyes burning into me the whole time. i could literally see him staring at me the entire time in my peripheral vision over my book. why, i do not know. he was completely creepy. weird creepy staring guy on the train. i brushed it off and laughed about it until Bart's mom got me all worried about him being a stalker or something...i sure hope he isn't there again tomorrow.

on a lighter note, literally, it was light out when i got out of work today!!!!!!!! that is EXCELLENT!!!! spring is coming :) well...not really that soon seeing as i'm still wearing long underwear under my work clothes, but still, it's getting lighter out and that is awesome :)

and also, i had a few little revelations today:
1) I MISS BART

wait...that's all.

guseac25 (6:25:27 PM): I just downloaded the N'SYNC Greatest Hits Album to my Ipod! Did you even know there was a N'SYNC Greatest Hits Album?!? Can you just imagine the hours of listening pleasure?!?

is it bad that i actually got really excited about this revelation and actually did imagine the hours of listening pleasure? eeeeek...

i've written 2 blog posts in the last 2 days, but i haven't posted either of them. (obviously.) i can't seem to get my thoughts together coherently and confidently enough to relay them to anyone outside of my head. here are some of the main things i can come up with, without surrounding context:

a) i am terrified, scared out of my mind
b) i'm stuck
c) i think i need to make changes
d) i haven't lived up to anyone's expectations, including my own
e) i'm alone
f) i feel like i'm losing everything

i think i need some help.

it was sooooooooooo windy today...in the Windy City. go figure.

happy new year, i can't sleep. poop.

well for once, the people who almost never come through came through. i guess if you have a little faith in the goodness of people, sometimes it works out. now we just have to have faith in the goodness of airlines...which could be a problem...but i don't really think so. everything will work out and a week from now, the world will be right.

in the meantime, i really need to clean my sty of an apartment. and my cat really needs to quit puking everywhere. no more milk for him!