this weekend goes right into the top weekends ever. probably top 3. and it could be the #1, because i don't really remember any weekends that beat it. well, maybe nyc 2005, but that could be considered a tie, along with new year's 2006. every significant amount of time i spend with Bart just gets progressively better. probably every weekend will knock another one out of the top 3 weekends. but that's ok, that's just how it works, right? however, this one will always stay in the top 3 because it included my soldier in two, count 'em TWO, uniforms :)

not sure i really need to rehash and write out the whole weekend. i'm having some fun just playing it over in my little brain and looking at my awesome pictures :) and doing a lot of thinking about things. there's lots of good going on right now. and i like it so much. and i think it's going to stay.

and i am just so happy in my own little world right now that i can't even concentrate on anything and i'm just going to lay in my bed and cuddle with brewer and watch a movie and miss babies.

ha. hahaha. inside joke. ;)

well today was a good day. best one, in fact, since oh, about January 6 or so. i had strategy this morning, which was good. i enjoy it. i adore my prof and i like how he gets us to think of different things than most people think we should be talking about in class. and i also love how he tells the retarded guy to just shut up. ugh that kid is so stupid. so class was good.

then i went to work. i read the paper and did crosswords. and i actually did some work today too! and then me and my boss, Jim, went to lunch in akers. sooooo yummy. i had a good salad and some hummus and pita. anyway, we also had a good talk. he asked me about Bart and we chatted about my mom and the whole situation. he was in the navy in vietnam so he always tells me stories about him and his wife back in the day and gives me advice and stuff. so it was good. he's kind of like a dad to me here. he looks out for me. like he said tell him to behave this weekend or this old sailor will kick his ass!!! i thought that was so nice :)

then i went to class again, which was another good one! it's my like job strategies class and i also adore this prof. so there was good discussion in class, and then i stayed and talked to him for like a half hour after class. first i asked him what the heck i should do about stupid rockbridge and he gave me some good advice and really put things in perspective. then we talked about the fat man in the bowtie for a long time and that was awesome. very therapeutic. i've had to put up with some shitty stuff from him and this stupid school, and being able to have someone to relate to about was really great. i feel like we bonded a little bit, and i like the fact that i will have some professors to keep in touch with after college who are REAL people. not stupid bullshit bureaucratic political pussyfaces who don't know anything, don't have any experience, and just put up with all the crapola that is fed to them from the fat man in the bowtie. i have allied myself and gotten to know the actual good professors in the school who have great perspectives and life experience to pass on to me and to actually talk to me on the level. i like that very much.

after class i came home very happy. i listened to ra on the walk home, which i would suggest to everyone, and was just in a generally happy mood!

then i had a group meeting, which didn't make me super happy, but actually turned out to be ok. my group members are my friends, so it should be decent. we named our group akhdar=baydva, which means green and white in lebanese. strange, i know. but our project is about a middle eastern restaurant and the owners are lebanese. which, by the way, did you know that there aren't camels in lebanon and they don't wear turbans? and also, there are no lebanese hookers, there are hookers from other places. just in case you were wondering.

and then i had to read, which sucked. i can't read things on the computer, my fucking eyeballs bug out. and now i have to pack. and i don't know what to pack, so i will overpack. ugh. oh well. as long as i overpack, i know i will look cute at least 85% of the time.

a day in the life of kourtney. don't you feel fulfilled now? like your life means so much more because mine is so ridiculously silly and mundane?? :)

so ummmm my hand is freezing. (another instance i'd like to have some really warm mittens.) it's raining outside, but it's freakin cold. jeez. i hate this weather. how come the midwest is so cool but the weather has to suck? can't we just take like wisconsin, michigan, illinois, and minnesota and move them to like nevada?

i feel like i had something interesting to put in my blog today, or maybe yesterday, but i forgot. so this entry might be kind of disappointing to anyone who actually reads this. (sorry carolyn!) but i'll write something anyway. i've come to realize that i'm not very funny, so generally my blog entries aren't quite as exciting as some people's. oh well. i'm just me.

yesterday i went to the mall and got some stuff. i got two new charms for my italian charm bracelet. one is a little beer mug, soooo cute! and one is a yellow ribbon. now the bracelet fits, and $30 later i can wear it. i also got 2 cute tshirts. and while i was at the mall, i saw this girl who was wearing the most ridiculous outfit i have ever seen. no, it didn't involve pants tucked into boots. it was WORSE!! first of all, the girl was tanner than george hamilton. come on sister, it's fucking january, quit fake baking, you look like a freak. on top of that she was wearing a jean mini skirt, a turquoise shirt, a puffy vest with fur trim, and get this: turquoise and brown knee socks WITH fucking furry boots. you have got to be kidding me. what were you thinking when you put that on in the morning??? how outrageously stupid can i make my outfit today? because it was outrageously stupid looking. i kind of even feel sorry for the guy she was with. he probably thought she looked like a damn retard but was stuck going out in public with her just so he could get some later. poor guy.

ugh. back out into the cold, wet, sick weather. but hey, at least it's tuesday. thank you martin luther king jr. in two days it'll be thursday. and we know what that means: MY SOLDIER IN A UNIFORM!!!!!!!!! :D I WIN!!!!!!

apparently i get a little overemotional sometimes. i can't help it though. it's just who i am. i analyze too much and i think too much and sometimes i jump to conclusions from just little things that don't really exist or aren't really what i think they are. but sometimes it's not just me being crazy. who knows. either way, i wish i could just turn my brain off sometimes. or at least the part of it that thinks about these things.

on a lighter note, last night was fun. i just hung out and stuff with everyone and there were only like 15 of us. played a little bit of beer pong with bill. surprisingly, we didn't totally bomb. and we won a couple of games, which was pretty sweet! plus i didn't have to drink that much. i also knocked over the beeramid in rage. so that was funny. fuckers. i swear one of these days very soon i will come back with the best comeback comment ever in the history of comebacks and never ever have to hear another small penis comment about my boyfriend ever. fucking jerks.

then i went to bed early. and love actually was on. so actually, i just left the party early and crawled into bed and cried and cried over all the wonderful stories in that movie. there honestly has never been a more truthful depiction of how love really is on the screen. i guess some of the stories are a little unrealistic, but many of them aren't, and i think that's great. not so great for me to watch it when i am feeling like this though. just makes me miss Bart so much more. and then probably overanalyze a little bit about us too. or maybe just makes me realize how totally head over heels i am for him and that lots of seemingly impossible love stories can and do work out. so in the words of my favorite character from the movie, sam: let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

and now i'm crying. what a cheeseball.

fuck. you know that time when you know that you screwed up and then you figure it out and you can't change it and you can't do anything about it but it just makes you feel like shit? and then you aren't sure if it really is as bad as you think or if you are then overexaggerating it in your head...and it's even worse because you just don't know and have no way of knowing because you can't talk about it. but you have a hunch that it's worse than is being let on just by little cues and little changes. fuck me, i am stupid, and i just ruined my weekend, and possibly some other things, with my own ridiculous stupidity.

FUCK I AM STUPID AND I HATE IT WHEN I ACT RETARDED! i always fuck shit up. you'd think i would learn, but nooooooo of course not. get something good, do something retarded to fuck it up. never fucking fails. just my luck. but not really luck because i am the one who does it to myself. i think i am destined to be a fucking fuck up socially and romantically for the rest of my life. no one should ever have to put up with me.

so now i will go try to take a nap so that i don't have to be awake and think about it, or anything else for that matter.

first off. DON'T SMOKE! jeez people, you do NOT look cool. at all. ever. in no case does a cigarrette make ANYONE look cool. it even ruins frank sinatra. and for more on this, i provide you with a copy of my state news editorial.

I never thought I’d open up the paper that I so faithfully read every day at lunchtime to see step-by-step instructions for rolling my own cigarettes. In addition to this helpful little “how to” guide, I learned the facts behind buying cigarettes, and also read a nice story about A.P. Kryza’s personal smoking experiences. Thanks, State News!
I’m utterly disgusted with this piece on smoking. First of all, I can’t believe that a campus newspaper would promote a habit so nauseating, foul, and detrimental to human health. Devoting the front page of the MS&U section to the repulsive habit of smoking is great free advertising for cigarette companies and local stores like Campbell’s Smoke Shop. I am sure that they are pleased with this article, but is the State News pleased with the impression they are making with this feature?
Secondly, I absolutely loved reading about Kryza’s blood filled lungs and sphincter smell. I also really appreciate how he promotes smoking as a good way to “pick up chicks” and that “girls look really hot smoking.” I happen to think that I’m approachable and decent looking without a cancer stick hanging out of my mouth while I’m blowing carcinogenic fumes into other people’s faces, my breath and clothes reeking of smoke. And did anyone else notice that tiny little mention of marijuana towards the end of the column? Another fantastic, and this time, illegal, habit to be endorsing.
I’m really not looking forward to the next article about drugs—“Doing Lines.”

now i know it's a personal choice, just like everything else people choose to do recreationally. but come on, it's just a fucking stupid choice. every single time i see someone walking to class on campus or on grand river smoking, i have an overwhelming urge to just say very nicely "smoking sucks" or "you smell" or "don't smoke." i think i just saw one too many people smoking today. even pretty girls. so i got fed up. sorry for the rant.

so. i just got back from a meeting for Spartans Supporting the Troops, a newly formed club here at msu. i'm excited for all the cool things we'll be doing this semester. never was there a better cause. the soldiers we have addresses for are gonna be extra spoiled!! and talk about some girls with high aspirations...it's very exciting. in two weeks we are going to a local elementary school to have 1st graders make cards for the troops to send over. and we have fundraising opportunities coming up courtesy of my boss. we're having a booth at the spartan stampede, the perfect place to get some publicity. and lots of other fun stuff like rallys at college republican get togethers and whatnot. anyway, should be good times.

next, it's fucking 50 degrees outside. STOP TUCKING YOUR PANTS INTO YOUR STUPID FURRY BOOTS!!!!!!

and finally:
GaRT88 (10:35:14 PM): so i've been looking at your pictures, you seem to have a thing for your boobs, is this some sort of hobby of yours?

ugh. i blame that on Bart.

things i like:
my bed (mostly with my cuddle buddy)
my alpaca bear (who doesn't have a name yet)
my Brewer
my soldier
my friends
my Mommy and Joe
my strategy class
reading
writing
the fact that it's 40 outside and it's january
i get to go to new york next weekend
no school on monday
my digital camera
my schedule this semester (it allows for a lot of naps)
the Irish cream joke (which will never get old)
the riv
candy

things i don't like:
when i'm stupid and procrastinate
the assloads of homework i'm going to have this semester
group projects
that i am still figuring out my job for after graduation
calling people on the phone if i don't know them
when people don't pull their own weight
pants tucked into boots!
when it's cold and icky and depressing outside
afghanistan
iraq
president bush
samuel alito
when people don't pick up after themselves
not being able to see my boyfriend
paying for school and books and rent and food and everything else when i don't have the money
gas prices

well. not tired again tonight. what is wrong with me? didn't sleep at all last night, and it's 2:30 and i certainly don't feel like going to sleep now. i suppose it's time to update my blog again.

and i can't decide whether i should go with the standard review of 2005. it's just so cliche. maybe i'll go with the reader's digest version. feel free to skip to the exciting part, which is around october.

well. new year's 2005. go to somebody's house and get drunkish, drive drunken boyfriend home, everyone gets in a fight except for like 2 people. excellent. probably should've taken that as a sign.

spring semester was good. good classes, good grades, etc etc.

spring break was good too. i love my parents' house in the keys. when i'm rich, i'm going to get one too. the keys is the most amazing place in the whole world. love it. nowhere else on earth can you act like you can in the keys. can't wait to go back this year. last spring break ever :( only negative was something was up my butt and i really hurt my mommy's feelings. it happens periodically where we just can't seem to match up. but she's really been there for me for the rest of the year, and i'm glad about that. moms are the best.

turned 21 in april. that was a helluva time. definitely a night to remember. one of the funnest nights of my life at the bar, that's for sure. only to be topped by countless burgeramas and other nights at the riv this year, but still, bday at rick's was amazing. it was the very first time that so many people showed up for me. i mean, i know they actually showed up to go to the bar, but it was at least kind of for my birthday, and that really meant a lot to me. i think it finally made me realize that i do have at least a few friends who really care about me. fun times. and of course the legal shenanigans continued...

had a decent semester with nick going back and forth and whatnot. worked out like it had been working out. nothing special, probably missed out on some things i should've thought about. moved to milwaukee for the summer again. got a job at a bank. liked my job, made some really good friends out of my co-workers. by the end of the summer i was very sad to leave them. they had ended up being my salvation from my life outside of work, that's for sure. and it makes me so sad that i have lost touch with them already since both of them changed jobs. i think part of my new year's resolution will be to find them and get back in touch. the summer outside of work turned out to be just shit for me. i had nothing and no one except my tv and my cat. nick took me completely for granted, and i can't even count the nights i sat home and cried because he didn't feel like doing anything or staying over or thought it was more important to go out and drink or do something with his friends (who live there year round). needless to say, by august, i was about fed up and was beyond excited to come back to school.

labor day camping was pretty much the last straw for that relationship as far as i was concerned. which i kept hidden pretty well as i tried desperately to work it out and tell myself that it would work out and things would change and get better. they didn't. even after i did express what i was feeling and what happened over the summer. didn't take long and it was back at square one. at least camping was fun. can't wait till memorial day!!!! and this year, MY friends are coming with too. got that guys and gals? especially joshy since it's only an hour away from you. put that shit on your calendars. anyway.

came back to school and was ecstatic to see my friends. immediately became tight with stacey and bill, formed nato. kyle is an adopted member :) much thanks to all of them for putting up with my bullshit and complaining for about the first month and a half of the semester. you guys are the best. in fact, i can't even express how much i value our friendships and how much i love you to death and can't live without you. i'm very much regretting that my very last year of college is the year that i have made the best friends that i will keep for the rest of my life. i just wish it could've been sooner. now my time is running out and i hate it. i can't even go 2 weeks without seeing stacey or bill, and i don't like not seeing jake, brandon, adriane, and of course my oville buddies, and joshy, stop moving, even if it is to wisconsin...ugh i'm babbling. getting all emotional. (which is a good word to describe my 2005.) moving on.

i was on MSU's homecoming court. amazing. total culmination of my time here at State. i was so honored to represent Michigan State University in or sesquicentennial year. i got to do so many awesome things this fall! and i met some cool people too. and got some cool free stuff. excellent. loved going down on the field for the game, and had a great time with my mom and grandma and stacey at the game too. what a fun weekend. my mom got high with bill. went to the head shop with my mom and grandma and bill. he's certainly a hit with my family. and then nick and i broke up. lots of crying, especially from him. i didn't see it coming from him, but it was necessary at that point. it was going to happen soon if it wasn't then. it's not good to hang on to things for too long. so that was a good and bad weekend.

started the job search also. had many many many many interviews throughout october and november. got 2nd interviews with all of my first interviews. got turned down by lasalle bank, which i never wanted to be a banker anyway, so that was fine. got offers from rockbridge capital and centex homes. working on the details of the centex offer, going back out to chicago again soon. like both companies, but don't want to live in ohio. enjoyed traveling so much, even though i missed a lot of school. met some cool people, had fun getting put up in hotels, and even made some money on reimbursement checks. the job search process is fucking stressful. my advice: don't go to college. take over the family business.

the weekend before homecoming was actually the best weekend probably since my birthday. the whole ortonville crew came up to go to the bar, joshy surprised me like a big buttface, and bart was home. key word there: bart. pretty much spent the whole night talking and laughing and flirting and whatnot. end of the night got fucked up, but i was sleeping, so that was fine. talked for like 7 hours the next day, and just about every day after that.

certainly wasn't out looking for anything after nick. dating wasn't my idea of fun at the time, but sometimes things just fall into your lap. i'm not one to pass up chemistry that strong. following my heart has gotten me into trouble before, but you can't love if you don't take risks, and who wants to go through life without love or risks? too boring for me. spent weeks, which turned into months, getting to know each other. spent an amazing weekend in nyc together. (one of the best weekends of my life, in fact ;) ) counted down the days till Christmas and seeing each other again. and spent two incredibly wonderful weeks together just being together.

i'm not sure anyone wants to hear about the past two weeks, but they can be summed up by saying i never thought i'd find someone i was so compatible with, enjoy just spending time with, laugh so much, give/take shit to/from, and just absolutely let myself fall...given the circumstances, many would argue this is a mistake and will only end badly. and then i would argue that they obviously don't know what they are talking about and that i have more confidence in me and bart than i have ever had in any previous relationship, yes, even knowing the situation. (and that's huge considering how skeptical i can be and how much of a worrier i am.) but sometimes that's just the last thing that matters. when lightning strikes, it won't be ignored.

fuck. so much for the reader's digest version. anyone get through that? yeah right. i bet i'll have a big zero comments. bummer. oh well, i feel better.

and now it's january 10, 2006, and i have class at 10:20. (FUCK CLASS) better than 8:30 running on no sleep. that was no fun. i guess that'll happen sometimes when you don't go to bed until like 5am every day for two weeks and sleep until 2 in the afternoon. and when you don't know what the hell happened to mr. invincible ;)

this girl's in love. for real. hard, fast, and sure.

IAPPY NEW YEA!!!!!!!!!!