well, i'm happy again for the first time in a while. like really happy! i have a few things figured out and that's a good thing. but i don't have too much scheduled or planned and that is also good. i think one of the biggest and best things that i have learned over the past 3 or 4 months is that having every little thing decided is pretty dumb and really, extremely not fun. i cannot even explain how much i have changed in that time, and it's all for the better. i've always been an incredibly positive person, but i was also pretty uptight and definitely a planner. i think i'd consider myself a little more of a free spirit now and i feel amazing!!! life has always been a ride for me, and i've always enjoyed it, but now i've got my eyes closed and my hands up in the air...WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

to translate all of that, i'll be starting a new job with pinnacle entertainment on august 6. i'll spend my first week in las vegas (SWEET!) and then move to southern indiana for 6 months. after that, i'll spend 3 months at another location. then my training program will be over and i'll get a permanent placement. i'm ecstatic that my first rotation will be in facilities/construction and i'll be a project manager for a renovation project at the casino i will be working at. excellent. hopefully it will all just keep moving on to get me exactly where i want to be in the corporate construction/development office. perfecto. i'm sad that i'll have to stop being a gypsy and start work again, but in a way, i'll still be a gypsy for the next year and it'll be super fun AND i'll be getting paid for it!! yay!

also, i think things have finally, truly come to light in that other part of my life i spend so much time talking about in my blog. and that leads to nothing but good things. dreams can't always come true. not everybody gets their prince charming and their cinderella storybook ending. maybe someday. (i will ALWAYS love you more than anything in this world. ALWAYS. but i now understand that *drum roll* everything happens for a reason, even if they're not always reasons we want to fully accept.)

lastly, on that same note, i think my sentiments have changed from my last post to reflect the ever-awesome lady madge's latest lyrics.

I don't wanna hear
I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

back to song lyrics for a sec. this song seems a perfect expression of my thoughts.

(white flag. dido.)

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

so. all moved out of illinois for now. belongings in storage unit and car. life spread all over the place. ha. some things to look forward to:

june 10-17: new york for my girl Jackie's grad party and to see the boys get back from Afghanistan. FINALLY!!! very excited to see friends i haven't seen in a long time :)

june 21-26: fort lauderdale, FL with my favorite boys from college, Jake, Eugene, and Andy. can't wait!!!! sun and fun in florida is more than i could ever ask for!!! it's going to be a great time, no matter what :)

june 30: close family friend's wedding in western michigan at one of those cute little winerys. that will be a blast!

don't know exactly what i'm doing for the 4th, or for july, but i do hope to get out to colorado to visit a friend from high school, and possibly another trip somewhere, not quite sure. i'll probably spend some time between various places, family, and friends, in wisconsin and illinois. last time i'll see a lot of people for a while!

i find out this week where i'll be placed for my casino job. pretty exciting!!! i will start with a week in vegas on august 6th and then start at my property on the 13th. i'm sure it'll come up faster than i expect. i'm both excited and nervous, but i think it will be a good summer :)

keep in touch!!!!!!

well...much has happened since my last post, hence the lack of posts. just been busy. main news now is that i'm moving. i have to be out of my apartment here in aurora in a week. the second half of that is that i have NO idea where i'm going or what i'm doing after that. well, technically, i know i'm going home for a bit so i can take the cat up there so my mom can take care of him for a while. i think i'll be doing some road tripping and traveling after that, probably for the month of june and maybe even a little of july. hopefully a trip out east and a trip out west.

but as far as employment goes, that's still up in the air. i've been interviewing and finding some things, but i'm not 100% on anything. if i don't find anything i like in the area, i'll be moving to one of several locations across the country to start my career in casino management in august. nifty, eh? we'll see. i'm not 100% sure on that either, but it's a sweet package and would set me up nicely financially for the next couple years, if anything. so wish me luck in my decision making processes, because i'm lost as hell! ha. i hate making big girl life decisions all by myself.

things have also been screwed up in the, well, i guess you could call it "love department." i think everyone who knows me knows what happened with Bart and how i have been affected by that. it's still a mess as far as i'm concerned, and i know we both are. but i think the mess will all be neatly mopped up in approximately 3 weeks. and hopefully in a good way. well actually, either way, it will be good just to be cleaned up and not sitting out there all messy...if you can follow that metaphor :) haha. i just want to do what's right for both of us, since i think we both know in our hearts what that is.

oh, and i changed my email. so if you'd like it, please get in touch. the old one will work for another week, then you have to add on @yahoo.com instead of what it used to be. cell will stay the same. and mail will have to go to the rents' house. ugh, i can't believe i'm going home for a period of time longer than 5 days. kind of makes me want to barf. at least i'm not technically moving home because all my stuff is snug as a bug in a 10x15 storage unit :)

i guess sometimes all you need is a good vent session. and some blue moon. and some really, genuinely, nice, wonderful, caring people. i'll miss the boys from work when i leave...

i had a dream last night that i was driving at night and it was completely pitch dark and i had no headlights on my car. i was driving around northwoods dirt roads, like eagle river style, and i couldn't see a thing. it was completely terrifying. when i woke up, i remembered the whole dream pretty vividly, and when i put it together, it seems like this dream is one that very much parallels my waking life. i feel like i'm driving around in the dark, no light to lead the way whatsoever, and it is also pretty terrifying. my one source of light was just shut down out of the blue, leaving me with no direction, no way to see the path in front of me.

here's hoping the lights come back on soon.

best cure for a broken heart --> go to madison.

high school friends + beer + my soft spot = freakin excellent night #1

college friends + 5 liters of beer + ridiculousness + peer pressure = great night #2

:)

and now, back to the absolute horribleness that is my daily life. :( lovely. maybe i'll spend st. patty's day up there too...

absolutely NOT feeling better anymore. at all. to sum that all up for now in a few words of samurai philosophy:

"it is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. when you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. it is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." ~hagakure, yamamoto tsunetomo

only it's not a fucking dream. it's a real life, waking fucking nightmare.

i'm feeling a little better. not a lot better, but a little, just in case anyone was worried. day by day i'll continue surviving. and one day i'll be back to happy.

does anyone who reads this blog watch grey's anatomy? if you do, you will know what i'm talking about when i say that right now i'm feeling a lot like meredith in the past couple episodes. tonight hit me when she pops up her head out of the water and gasps for air in the beginning of the episode...and she's speaking about all the things that happen...and then they just...don't...and then she just lets go and sinks down into the water...rather, lets herself sink down into the water, like she just doesn't have the willpower to even try to save herself. that is the feeling i have every morning when i wake up, and every night when i go to bed lately. i feel like my life is slowly breaking down and i've been treading water for a while and i'm getting tired and losing my will to fight...but at the same time, i was never and certainly am not nearly as weak as meredith grey. though i'm hovering dangerously close to the edge, i know i won't fall because, honestly, I KNOW that i have Bart to catch me before i do. i swear every blog i write lately ends in complete cheese to the average person outside the situation, but if there was ever something to make me hang on to myself, it is him. and all i hope is that while he is now hovering dangerously close to the edge too, he will feel the same way.