back to song lyrics for a sec. this song seems a perfect expression of my thoughts.

(white flag. dido.)

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

so. all moved out of illinois for now. belongings in storage unit and car. life spread all over the place. ha. some things to look forward to:

june 10-17: new york for my girl Jackie's grad party and to see the boys get back from Afghanistan. FINALLY!!! very excited to see friends i haven't seen in a long time :)

june 21-26: fort lauderdale, FL with my favorite boys from college, Jake, Eugene, and Andy. can't wait!!!! sun and fun in florida is more than i could ever ask for!!! it's going to be a great time, no matter what :)

june 30: close family friend's wedding in western michigan at one of those cute little winerys. that will be a blast!

don't know exactly what i'm doing for the 4th, or for july, but i do hope to get out to colorado to visit a friend from high school, and possibly another trip somewhere, not quite sure. i'll probably spend some time between various places, family, and friends, in wisconsin and illinois. last time i'll see a lot of people for a while!

i find out this week where i'll be placed for my casino job. pretty exciting!!! i will start with a week in vegas on august 6th and then start at my property on the 13th. i'm sure it'll come up faster than i expect. i'm both excited and nervous, but i think it will be a good summer :)

keep in touch!!!!!!

well...much has happened since my last post, hence the lack of posts. just been busy. main news now is that i'm moving. i have to be out of my apartment here in aurora in a week. the second half of that is that i have NO idea where i'm going or what i'm doing after that. well, technically, i know i'm going home for a bit so i can take the cat up there so my mom can take care of him for a while. i think i'll be doing some road tripping and traveling after that, probably for the month of june and maybe even a little of july. hopefully a trip out east and a trip out west.

but as far as employment goes, that's still up in the air. i've been interviewing and finding some things, but i'm not 100% on anything. if i don't find anything i like in the area, i'll be moving to one of several locations across the country to start my career in casino management in august. nifty, eh? we'll see. i'm not 100% sure on that either, but it's a sweet package and would set me up nicely financially for the next couple years, if anything. so wish me luck in my decision making processes, because i'm lost as hell! ha. i hate making big girl life decisions all by myself.

things have also been screwed up in the, well, i guess you could call it "love department." i think everyone who knows me knows what happened with Bart and how i have been affected by that. it's still a mess as far as i'm concerned, and i know we both are. but i think the mess will all be neatly mopped up in approximately 3 weeks. and hopefully in a good way. well actually, either way, it will be good just to be cleaned up and not sitting out there all messy...if you can follow that metaphor :) haha. i just want to do what's right for both of us, since i think we both know in our hearts what that is.

oh, and i changed my email. so if you'd like it, please get in touch. the old one will work for another week, then you have to add on @yahoo.com instead of what it used to be. cell will stay the same. and mail will have to go to the rents' house. ugh, i can't believe i'm going home for a period of time longer than 5 days. kind of makes me want to barf. at least i'm not technically moving home because all my stuff is snug as a bug in a 10x15 storage unit :)

i guess sometimes all you need is a good vent session. and some blue moon. and some really, genuinely, nice, wonderful, caring people. i'll miss the boys from work when i leave...

i had a dream last night that i was driving at night and it was completely pitch dark and i had no headlights on my car. i was driving around northwoods dirt roads, like eagle river style, and i couldn't see a thing. it was completely terrifying. when i woke up, i remembered the whole dream pretty vividly, and when i put it together, it seems like this dream is one that very much parallels my waking life. i feel like i'm driving around in the dark, no light to lead the way whatsoever, and it is also pretty terrifying. my one source of light was just shut down out of the blue, leaving me with no direction, no way to see the path in front of me.

here's hoping the lights come back on soon.

best cure for a broken heart --> go to madison.

high school friends + beer + my soft spot = freakin excellent night #1

college friends + 5 liters of beer + ridiculousness + peer pressure = great night #2

:)

and now, back to the absolute horribleness that is my daily life. :( lovely. maybe i'll spend st. patty's day up there too...

absolutely NOT feeling better anymore. at all. to sum that all up for now in a few words of samurai philosophy:

"it is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. when you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. it is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." ~hagakure, yamamoto tsunetomo

only it's not a fucking dream. it's a real life, waking fucking nightmare.

i'm feeling a little better. not a lot better, but a little, just in case anyone was worried. day by day i'll continue surviving. and one day i'll be back to happy.

does anyone who reads this blog watch grey's anatomy? if you do, you will know what i'm talking about when i say that right now i'm feeling a lot like meredith in the past couple episodes. tonight hit me when she pops up her head out of the water and gasps for air in the beginning of the episode...and she's speaking about all the things that happen...and then they just...don't...and then she just lets go and sinks down into the water...rather, lets herself sink down into the water, like she just doesn't have the willpower to even try to save herself. that is the feeling i have every morning when i wake up, and every night when i go to bed lately. i feel like my life is slowly breaking down and i've been treading water for a while and i'm getting tired and losing my will to fight...but at the same time, i was never and certainly am not nearly as weak as meredith grey. though i'm hovering dangerously close to the edge, i know i won't fall because, honestly, I KNOW that i have Bart to catch me before i do. i swear every blog i write lately ends in complete cheese to the average person outside the situation, but if there was ever something to make me hang on to myself, it is him. and all i hope is that while he is now hovering dangerously close to the edge too, he will feel the same way.

ugh i've got that horrible numb feeling again right now. it really came out of the blue this evening. perhaps it's because i'm sitting at home alone again for another weekend. perhaps it's because i was reading stuff about the extension. perhaps it's because my thoughts have just gotten away from me again. every time i think about Bart and how amazing this have been with him, i smile and my heart gets warm. but it also just reminds me of how distant things have been lately. and that makes me sad. makes me wonder. i have all of his letters sitting here on my desk and when i glance at them my heart just wrenches because they're filled with wonderful words and love. the latest dated one is from december. it's now almost halfway through february and things have been so odd i have honestly had the awful thoughts pass through my head that if anything at all happens to Bart, this is how it's going to be left between us...again, my heart just wrenches. i was listening to john legend earlier (amazing, by the way. take a listen.), and one of his songs really stood out. it's called stay with you and it pretty much encompasses all of my feelings toward Bart. i only wish there was a better way i could convey them to him without it aggravating or annoying him to the point of ignoring me. my expressions of love and support for him are not meant to be annoying or over the top, they are meant to be exactly what they are: reassurances of my love and support for him. i guess i just don't really know how to deal with such a touchy situation as we are in at times. i wish i had guidance, but i don't. so i just do what i know, what feels right to me, and see what happens from there. and in the meantime, i'm left to my thoughts.

perhaps if my brain were a little more challenged up to its potential at work i would have this damn problem. i really can't stand my life right now. somethin's gotta give here.